The Best Kind of Apology

Since I first watched the replay of Will Smith slapping Chris Rock for the offensive joke he made at the Academy Awards, I’ve been replaying in my mind the powerful way a personal hero of mine responded to an offensive joke made in public at his expense. 

My hero? 

My husband, Calvert F Cazier.

Let me tell you the story.

Cal and I and about 700 other people were attending a conference on the role of spirituality in mental health. We were seated near the back, relaxing, enjoying being together, listening as the MC introduced the upcoming speakers.

The MC told a couple of jokes to warm up the audience, and we reacted with a little chuckle and a smile or two. Then the MC moved into his final joke, about a guy with Tourette syndrome. The smile drained from my face, I felt Cal grow still and silent at the attack. Cal, as I’m sure most of you know by now, has Tourette syndrome.

The MC concluded his remarks and left the podium. Cal had already slipped out of his chair and was waiting for him. He looked surprised as Cal touched his shoulder and quietly began to speak to him, but he listened, then followed Cal out of the room and into the hallway.

They were gone for several minutes. 

The first presenter was well into their remarks when Cal and the MC returned, but as soon as the speaker finished, the MC went to the podium before the next presenter could rise. 

He asked everyone to please listen to his unexpected intrusion, as he had something important to say.
 
He thanked Cal for his courage in speaking up, for the kind but direct way Cal drew his attention to the insensitivity of his joke and the potential harm if such jokes are not challenged. Cal, he said, was especially concerned, and rightly so, about how such jokes could hurt kids with Tourettes and the example of supposedly caring and enlightened adults laughing at others’ expense. He apologized publicly to Cal and the audience and promised to learn from the experience. 

A day or two after the Academy Awards, one of our granddaughters asked me if I had heard about the incident and what I thought about Will Smith’s apology. I was driving her to school, so we didn’t have a lot of time, but it was an opening for sharing thoughts and further discussion. As regrettable as events like this are, they also provide us with opportunities to talk with our kids about our values and our own experiences with making mistakes, being hurt, giving and accepting apologies, and lessons learned.

As Robert Kiyosaki said, “Don’t waste a good mistake, learn from it.”

Here’s to failing forward together,

Anne


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