Courage to Apologize

One Sunday morning several years ago, my father was in a leadership position in his church. On this particular Sunday he was in a meeting with other leaders and during the meeting a man in their congregation who no longer attended was discussed. Dad was curious as to why this man of great faith had suddenly stopped coming. I’m sure this man’s situation had been discussed many times over the years, but on this particular Sunday Dad learned the part he played in this man’s decision to leave and not return. 


After the meeting one of the attendees approached Dad and kindly shared why this man quit attending. For the first time, dad learned the reason he quit attending. It was because dad had offended him several years earlier.


Dad was caught off guard and was completely surprised by this information and at that moment he experienced a twinge of guilt. This man was on his mind during the entire Sunday services, and he tried to think of  what he had done that offended him but he could not figure it out. But that was not all that was on his mind. He quietly pondered what he could do to resolve the situation. He recognized the challenge.


Later that afternoon, when his church responsibilities were finished, Dad knew what he had to do. He knew that he needed to apologize to this man. He walked home from church and on his way, he took a small detour and walked over to this man’s house. When he knocked, the wife answered and told dad that her husband wasn’t home, but she invited him to come in and wait. Dad went in and sat on the sofa and waited for two hours until this man came home. When he finally arrived, he walked into the room where dad was waiting, and he was surprised when he saw Dad.


Dad stood up, walked over to him, offered his hand, shook and then Dad said to this man, “I learned today that I offended you many years ago. I didn’t realize that I had offended you and caused so much anguish in your life. I am here to apologize and ask you to forgive me.” 


I don’t know who the man was, nor do I know whether this person ever forgave Dad. That’s not the important part of this story that my mother told me so many years ago. I never talked to dad about it and even if I had asked him about this experience, he would not have told me any more than what I learned from Mom.


This example demonstrates two components of forgiveness, both of which are important to our personal peace and growth. Dad experienced the first when he  asked for forgiveness. It didn’t matter whether the man saw fit to forgive him dad still had a peaceful conscience knowing that he did his best to right a wrong. The second component of forgiveness for this event could have been experienced by the offended man. IF he chose to accept the apology and grant forgiveness he could have felt good about the apology and the man who after several years visited him in order to reconcile a problem. 


As parents, we should help our children understand both types of forgiveness (the one asking and the one forgiving) and then help them integrate both into their life. Also, it is a good idea for our children to experience receiving both apologies and forgiveness from us. It’s a great way to set a positive example for them.



Happy Failing Forward,


Calvert Cazier



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