The Invitation

It was one of those long, warm autumn afternoons. I was the “new girl” at school, again, and at the worst possible time, the beginning of junior high. We had moved three times in four years, and I was super shy and insecure.

Imagine my surprise later that afternoon when I heard the doorbell ring and caught a glimpse of Stacy, the ruling eighth-grade queen of the neighborhood, standing on my porch, envelope in hand. Timidly, hardly daring to hope, I crossed the room as if in a dream and opened the door. “Here, this is an invitation to my birthday party. My mother told me I had to give it to you, but don’t you dare show up.” 

With a flip of her perfect ponytail, she was gone, leaving me standing there, my shame and embarrassment exposed to all the world. I slipped the door shut and stood in shocked silence. I replayed the scene a million times. I saw the smirk and knew the intention of the hurtful snub.

It is natural for friendships with peers to become more and more important to our kids as they get older, yet experiences such as this remind me that our kids still need parents and other caring adults to be strong, warm anchors in their lives, even when they think they are too grown up or cool to need us. Other kids, even good, decent kids, don’t yet have the maturity or wisdom to see other’s pain or stay steady with them through the ups and downs of life.

How we interact with our kids day in and day out is as important, if not more so, than how we handle the big events of life. As the great author and psychotherapist Virginia Satir said, “Every word, facial expression, gesture, or action on the part of a parent gives the child some message about self-worth. It is sad that so many parents don't realize what messages they are sending.”

Of all the things you will ever do to help your child develop a strong sense of their self-worth, just listening—really listening—and hearing what they have to say is the most important of all.

This can be hard in the busy hub-bub of the day. It’s so much easier to dismiss your child or let the moment slip by. The key is true empathy, really putting yourself in your child’s shoes and trying to imagine what their experience is like for them.

Hear the content of what they say plus how it makes them feel, then check it out. Just ask them! That way you will be sure you got it right and your child will know they are important enough to you that you took the time to understand and to care.

Here’s to more resilient wins at home and school,

Anne 

PS Want to help your kids have less stress and more success at home and school? CLICK HERE to get a copy of our book, The Resiliency Toolkit: A Busy Parent’s Guide to Raising Happy, Confident, Successful Children.