The Lost Child

When our oldest son, Paul, was in the fifth grade, his teacher gave the class an unthinkable assignment. He told the students to look around the classroom and identify the person whom they least liked. After they had identified the student, he had them approach that student and tell them that they didn’t like him or her. Each of the students took a moment to identify the person they didn’t like. Unfortunately, every student approached the same person, Annette (fictious name). 
​

Annette was physically more mature than the other girls. She struggled in school and came from a family that couldn’t afford the nicer “in clothes” worn by the other children. She was the most vulnerable student in the class.

​
As we were eating dinner that night, Paul told us what happened in school earlier that day. His mother and I were shocked at this news. I asked him which student he approached and told he didn't like. He said, “Annette.”
​

“Why don’t you like Annette?” I asked. 

​
Tears began to well up in his eyes, and he told us that he did like her. So, I asked why he told her he didn’t? By now he was crying pretty good, and he didn’t have a good answer. With a trembling voice, all he could say was the teacher told them they had to do this activity, so he followed the lead of the other students. 
​

This led to a great dinner conversation about how Annette must have felt and how alone she must feel. The three of us discussed what could be done to help Annette. As we talked about this terrible event, we helped him understand her feelings, and on his own he decided that he should apologize to her.

​
I don’t remember if he walked over to her house that night or talked to her in school the next day, but I was proud of him because he had the courage to make the right decision and to reach out to someone in pain and desperately in need of a friend.
​

Several years later my first wife, Carol, and I were invited to Annette’s wedding. Paul was living in Boston at the time. As we walked through the wedding line to congratulate her, she gave me a hug and whispered in my ear how much Paul's friendship meant to her and how much he helped her when she needed help.
​

I’ve thought about this experience many times over the years. Some questions come to my mind as I contemplate it again today. 

1. What was this teacher thinking? Looking back, it’s still hard to believe this happened and to fathom the depth of the harm and pain his assignment created, not only in Annette, but in all the kids who participated.
2. Why didn’t we as adults do more? Why didn’t Carol and I talk to other parents about what happened? Did other parents even know what happened? If so, what did they say to their kids? Why did we let this teacher keep teaching our kids?

Most of all though, I’m reminded of the importance of encouraging open communication in our relationships with our children. Our children will feel comfortable coming to us and talking about any situation that troubles them when they know we will listen to them and help them as they struggle through the process. 
​

With the strife and contention in the world today, kids need our help more than ever to develop empathy and learn to respect and value each other, no matter what our differences.  Let’s help them learn that simple acts of kindness have a lifetime impact on the recipient and the giver.
​

Paul wasn’t perfect but was willing to learn from this terrible experience. We let him know how proud we were of him, and I believe he was able to do his part to correct a wrong in which he was involved because he knew without a doubt that we loved him, supported him, and respected him.
​

Happy Failing Forward,

Calvert
​

PS Want to help your kids have less stress and more success at home and school? CLICK HERE to get a copy of our book, The Resiliency Toolkit: A Busy Parent’s Guide to Raising Happy, Confident, Successful Children.